When the Words Get in the Way
Communication, Vulnerability, and the Soul of Marriage
Let’s think for a moment about the importance of communication.
Most people know that communication is the top struggle within married couples. I've had very few people come to me and say, "We communicate amazingly. There are no issues. What I encode, my wife decodes accurately. Our filters line up."
If they do, I’m cautious. Either they’ve reached marital enlightenment—or I need to start taking notes!
Communication is difficult because it flows from so many places deep within our complex being: our thoughts, emotions, past wounds, family upbringing, and how our parents did or did not communicate. It flows from the unspoken dreams each person holds, our education level, and the ideals we haven’t yet even identified and labeled.
It doesn’t stop there.
It’s compounded by our personalities, internal drive systems, attachment styles, intellectual and emotional quotients, hurts from others, wounds from our spouse, financial pressure, parenting stress, career demands, theological wrestling, and our energy levels.
Now comes the real challenge: accurately communicating our heart to another human being who is also trying to sort through his or her soul space.
No wonder communication is so hard to get right.
I know for myself—with an undergrad in communication theory, a master’s in Divinity, and a master’s in clinical social work—I still try to communicate accurately. And when it fails, I try again. And when it fails again, I get so frustrated and emotionally depleted that I usually get angry and want to give up.
This is not to stress you out. I want to encourage you:
Well done for attempting such a momentous task.
And yet—we all need help to grow and move through the dense fog.
The Lifeblood of Relationships
Communication is the expression of our very being. It is the lifeblood of all relationships.
If there isn’t enough effective and encouraging communication, then most likely, your relationship is anemic.
People with anemia need iron supplements—or a B12 IV.
Consider this section your B-12 shot for bringing life back into your relationship.
As a student of my own marriage and from walking with many couples over the years, I can guarantee: most couples will need to be diligent and intentional throughout their lives to stay connected.
And the best way to do this is to grow in communication.
I don’t just mean learning better methods and skills—that part is easy.
The hard part is the continual reshaping of our hearts. We must want to make our marriage strong because it will require something of us—something that hurt couples often resist, and something that doesn’t come naturally to most men and many women.
That something is vulnerability.
Vulnerability: The Real Strength
Vulnerability isn't a prized trait in our capitalistic, rock-star, 1% culture. It carries a stigma of weakness, when in fact, it requires far more strength, security, and groundedness than the façades we often project.
I’ve seen vulnerability act like creatine for relationships. Add it to a small group and it becomes a community. Add it to a conversation with an acquaintance, and you receive a friend.
Add it to a marriage, and you form an intimate bond, lessen defensiveness, and extend an invitation into your spouse’s soul.
Sex, Vulnerability, and True Connection
I don’t think it’s a surprise that what often makes a man feel most connected to his wife is sex.
I know—I’m a man. You could say I’ve been doing field research my whole life.
Some men get a bad rap for wanting sex, but many Jesus-following men long for it as a pathway to closeness. To feel safe. To experience spiritual, emotional, mental, social, and physiological oneness. Sex is a beautiful thing that God created for us. What an incredible method of communication!
But how my wife feels most connected to me… that’s different.
Don’t get me wrong—the pleasure is mutual. But what makes her feel truly close looks more like the two of us walking in a park while I share something I’m struggling with.
Something I fear.
Something where I feel weak.
Something where I’m not measuring up.
And yet, that’s exactly where she feels closest to me.
Glorious, beautiful, pleasurable sex… versus talking about fear and failure?
It still baffles me. Sex makes so much sense!
(Gloria Estefan was right: “The words get in the way...”)
Many men want to connect, but words are hard. They get tangled. They fall short. But sex—it’s built with bonding chemicals that tie us to our wives during intercourse. It’s God’s divine glue to reinforce oneness.
So why does my wife feel most connected when I open up?
Because vulnerability is rare.
It’s a sacred moment when a man invites his wife into the inner sanctuary of his heart—a place no one else is allowed to go. And she doesn’t just observe; she’s invited to dwell there with him.
It’s an unbelievable honor for a wife to be a part of her husband’s most vulnerable space.
It may be the only time some wives feel truly one with their husbands and that she is a valued member of his soul.
The Sacred Risk
A woman offering her body to her husband is a vulnerable, sacred act.
In the same way, a man opening his soul to his wife is just as vulnerable and sacred.
Now imagine how tragic it is when that sacred space is violated.
When a woman is sexually assaulted.
When a husband uses spiritual abuse, claiming authority over her body.
When she’s invited to open herself emotionally, but fear and past trauma say: Too risky.
Walls go up.
And the same is true for a man—when he opens his heart in innocence and is met with rejection, mockery, or shame.
A boy who tries once in childhood, and walks away with an agreement etched into his soul throughout manhood:
"Never again."
These walls don’t come down easily.
Healing is not rushed. It takes tenderness, repeated courage, and the sacred grace to grow side by side.
Don’t Wait Until It’s Too Late
The truth is, marriages don’t fall apart all at once.
They drift.
They bleed out slowly from silence, unspoken fears, and bricks built into walls over time.
If you feel the distance growing or stuck in patterns you can’t break, don’t wait.
Time is not your ally when it comes to relational drift.
Hope belongs to those who act before the damage becomes permanent.
If you’re ready to fight for connection, trust, and a love that’s alive and honest—I’m ready to walk with you.
Call me today—don’t wait.
Don’t wait for a crisis to be the thing that finally gets your attention.
You have a sacred opportunity now to move toward something better.
Let’s take that step—together.
